& so we've fucked time & again
posted by jeremy on January 21, 2003
I sit here, one sheet of glass away from the rain thats finally come to us & I'm mulling all of this over in my dumb way, like a slow & hung-over dinosaur. I'm trying to follow the inevitable progression of our sudden trajectory into this future, where we must decide what it is that we must do to avoid any more horrible heartbreak.
The smell of damp clothing & coffee fills this place. It is a smell that marks these Northwestern cities; A smell that signifies home. I can also smell you... on me. A trace, however subtle, of where now we idle at. Once strangers, then friends, lovers, partners & then... so much strife locked in our differing desires & now: Friends & lovers once more.
Where are we in all of this? What shall we do? I've told you that I cannot go back to such obligations. I feel no heat there. It is not what I want.
We talk, late at night, in the green light of your room, shifting thru subjects, possibilities, outcomes, our mutual & separate past. I know what you want: To continue. To dig thru all of this once more. To not step back from this.
& the lust of us sits there, staring at us in its sordid trembling way. So lithe yet massive. Immovable. Irreproachable. I can deny nothing. I can deny everything.
I am going to close my notebook in a moment. I am going to walk out of this shop, out into the rain & I am going to go home. I know that tonight I will call you & you will, in turn, come over. I also know that we will drink beer & talk & that, eventually, we will collapse into bed: There will our bodies betray such foolish, such brilliant desires, wrapped in the confusing & ever-shifting monster that is lust...
But also, Love.
