It's been a bit, I know.

posted by jeremy on December 24, 2007

Immersion. Dunked. Locked skintight in the now of here, baby.

That's my excuse. That's all I got. I haven't even called my parents since December 25th, 2006. They tracked me down and called me at work after missing Mother's Day and my father's b-day. They called me practically thinking I might be dead. I told my Pop I was busy but I would call them back tomorrow. That was eight days ago. I ain't called yet. Go on, then.

Ask me why... & I'll tell you I can't tell you why.

A Monday night under a crescent waxing little moon in the Vieux Carre and the bars idle at empty and I sit here, wrapped in two centuries of chipped paint and splintered wood and as the palmettos scuttle and maggots find their legs...

I do find myself fine.

Despite the evidence.

Despite a sense of purpose as empty... as empty as all these bars...

Yet still... I do find myself fine. I promise you this. I find myself fine but I also find myself full. Packed. My brain bleeps nonsense and sputters shutdown. Eaten too much... Eaten too much loss, too much beauty, violence, love, lack, drugs, past, hope or hate... & the paradox is that the fullness mirrors emptiness.

I am content and I am over-whelmed.

I envy, at this moment, the invisible.... I envy pale shadows.

I know that I need....

I need a moment to chew what I have eaten.

_______________________________________

The above was written six months ago. I just found it buried in the digital landfill that I call my laptop. Its re-emergence is profound, if only to me.

My dad just left a message with the Rbar saying he intends to file a missing persons report on me. I've never had so much as a fucking parking ticket and now it's cops, cops, cops.

My greatest desire has always been to be left alone.

But whatever.... I'm a bad son and it's time to bite that bullet.

It's X-mas Eve, 2007.

It has been 364 days since I last spoke with my family.

One year of invisibility.... Of considering what it is I had to consider:

It's been long enough.

Tomorrow I call my blood...