The more intense the human drama becomes around me, the more detached I find myself.

posted by nate on August 29, 2002

Suddenly I'm reminded the cerebral cortex and central nervous system are merely systems, machines operating on chemicals and electricity. That ultimately, we are nothing more than amalgamated molecules vibrating in fluctuating frequencies, dictated by bodily movements, cellular memory, random sensory connections, animal needs, and these odd sounds we shape into words, into concepts, into DRAMA.

Yeah, I start thinking like that, and it becomes a very strange movie, slowly playing out on a screen in front of me. And somehow I've become a part of it. I cause other people's brain and nervous system to fire this way and that. My actions and words affect the mind and heart of those around me. How fucking weird being a human is!

But it's so beautiful how we can make such complex patterns of recognition out of our sensory experience. Our relationships are deeply rooted in social customs, slowly constructed for generations. That we experience such a gamut of emotions is amazing! Where do they come from? What was the original purpose and how did we mutate it into the soap opera, the car salesman, and Survivor?

My most recent participation in the games of drama has been girl-chasing. However, I am the most hesitant of sexual creatures. It comes from watching other men endlessly display just how tactless and overbearing the male gender tends to be. Regardless, I can't resist.

The female creature is a delicious thing, endlessly fascinating and enticing.

At least they appear to be.. I've been alone so long, I'm beginning to forget again. The possibility of kissing a girl again seems absolutely far-fetched and unreal at this point.

So I develop the quiet crushes. I run through a whole range of emotions from the tiniest of triggers. The girl calls me: my heart soars! She looks at me funny: excruciating pain, hopelessness, terror and loneliness. I give up. She writes me: everything glows! I am in love with the world again! I jump out of bed in the morning, savor food, time moves slow and I laugh at stupid jokes. But I don't hear from her for two days: suicidal wall-punching, wretched, excruciating, slow motion existence with nothing, NOTHING to live for!

Suddenly, I remember that I am random chemical and electrical waterlogged meat.

I am temporary illusion, too. What else? I am an unimportant blip on the immensely senseless history of earth. These points in mind vacilate between offering hope and hopelessness. I turn on the tv, completely inhibited by ennui, slumped in a fold of my filthy couch. The tv tries to sell me big cars, disposable cleaning products, hair. Hair! I'm balding. Who, the tv asks me, would be attracted to a man balding in his mid-twenties? I slump further into the fold of my couch.

The phone rings. It's her! I turn off the tv and clean the house. Take a shower, shave. I even brush my teeth! I cook food and eat it too! I shoot out into the world on my bike, confident and thirsty for drink. In a mere hour, I've gone from a lump on the couch to a god at the pool table. Things are finally falling into place. I think I've got a chance with this girl.

Jeremy gives me one look with his little smile as I'm ranting about how much I like this girl. A short silence follows where wave after wave of self-reproaching realizations wash away all hope. He's right. He doesn't even have to say anything. I know it's totally hopeless. Crushes tend to be. But I'd arranged all my chemicals in just the right way. I'd built up a series of mild convictions that this girl liked me. It was almost enough to get me to ask her out.

I decide right then to give up the crush for good. Instead, I will use my complicated, self-repairing, cellular machine to kick Jeremy's ass at pool.