I was searching for a product to alleviate the pain in my ass.
posted by nate on December 15, 2003
Turns out they didn't have the Witch Hazel I was looking for. Apparently Fred Meyer finds it more foofoo than the massive selection of Preparation H variations they choose to stock. I guess my level of hemorrhoids is too mild for Fred Meyer treatment. I gave up and grabbed some Isopropyl Alcohol and Hydrogen Peroxide. (Neither for my ass, I assure you.)
Every time I ride downtown, I pass a huge billboard with this offensively chipper middle-class couple in the bottom corner declaring through a forced bleachwhite toothy grin: "Tell all day heartburn to take a hike!" It's an advertisement for a pill that avoids that pesky digestive disorder so many Americans seem to be at odds with: acid reflux. For a whole day! What the fuck is wrong with people? STOP EATING SO MUCH GODDAMN MEAT AND DAIRY! Learn to relax for five minutes in the day! Take a fifteen-goddamn-minute walk! Eat a vegetable! Only one cup of coffee! It's not that difficult to keep your stomach from outright revolt from a normal day's activities.
And with the average stomach of rotting meat & clogged intestinal residue, we come to ass problems. I've heard horror stories of people not shitting for weeks (even months!), and of course people turn to a quick fix so they can avoid any lapse between Burger King meals. They'd rather stick an ointment up their ass than change their diet.
My personal ass problem is from riding my bike too much. Ride your bike 50+ miles a week on a crappy seat and you'll find yourself with a lopsided walk. That's it, I swear It has nothing to do with winter depression, alcohol ingestion or my increased consumption of meat. No sirree.
When I was about 14, before Pepcid was over the counter drug, I had a serious bout with overflowing stomach acid. I was taking tetracycline as a preventative for acne, as prescribed by my dipshit dermatologist. (Somehow the longterm effects of ingesting antibiotics daily for years as a preventative medicine didn't cross the man's mind.) You're not supposed to eat food with tetracycline, and you're really not supposed to have milk in your stomach when you take it. I made a mistake in the many years of this anti-acne routine, and after a glass of milk + my morning pill, I found myself with a searing pain crawling up my throat. Eating was suddenly nearly impossible, and in two weeks I lost 15 pounds (I was already a skinny-ass kid). I visited three doctors, all of which were baffled as to what was happening. I finally found a doctor that suggested a Pepcid prescription and wham-o, I was O-K.
Years later, I was really confused when Pepcid became an over-the-counter medication. Why did the general populace suddenly need Pepcid? Sure, we've had Tums and Pepto-Dismal for years, but Pepcid is an acid-blocker. It's as frightening to me as a surgical stomach reduction. People, if your stomach is fucked up, you're doing something wrong. Blocking the production of a fluid on a daily basis that is the body's natural response to your diet is not the way to address the problem. But who am I kidding? That's the answer at large in this society: Attack the symptoms! Numb the effects! What's that? Who cares what the source of the problem is. We've got a war on our hands here! We're at critical levels! Code red!!
A few quick google searches reveals that "of concern are reports that long-term acid suppression with these drugs may cause cancerous changes in the stomach.." Egads! In addition, "experts are concerned that the use of acid-blocking drugs in people with peptic ulcers may mask ulcer symptoms of ulcers and increase the risk for serious complications." The fact is that these products haven't been in general use long enough to know the long-term effects, much like many other elements of our 21st century existence.
I end up finding the Witch Hazel at Wild Oats, where I begin to crack up at finding an equally vast & hilarious selection of ass products, this time being an all-natural array. I soothe my swollen rectum with a refreshing pat of soothing astringent.. how 'bout you?
