rachel, just one more ponderance.....

posted by jeremy on October 24, 2006

i was just talking with steve, just after i wrote that last email, just before i watched whatever? band that was play again at the rbar, where i spotted a few of the kids that came over here from austin, whom candi and i sat next to during the kitty-kitty-bang-bang burlesque happenings, whom, radiating coolness, aloofness, vice-inspired fashion sense & ultimately, finally, flashed me back to the west coast, a bad trip, reminding me of exactly why this evil little city grew on me, in the end.

just an hour of sitting next to these kids at the show, feeling the constant weight of their ego, overhearing the snideness, the overly thought-out articulation of their poise, the carefulness of gesture, the caste-system inescapably imbedded in their worldview... girl, im telling you, just an hour of being near it and i felt poisoned to the marrow. my alertness to social cues vamped up, sensing out where folks stood in things, trying to see how these kids would see new orleans, my feelers tangled by exposure to something i normally never feel here: judgement.

i say it again: judgement.

christ talked a lot about this word and there was a point worth listening to dug down deep in the essence of those sermons. 'let he who is without sin cast the first stone.' yet here i am judging those fuckers, but i judge them for judging.

i remain confused in semantics but yet sure of this: that style of being so prevalent in pdx, that urban-social-paradigm so hard to define yet recognized by all who have played the game, that mode of inter-relation simply sucks so much ass. i cant breathe in that. i cant relax. not concerning my place in it, i generally stood clear yet made out. but just how people treated one another, how petty and goddam scared and most of all, just fucking boring. i just remembered writing this: http://shrike.org/writing/60/ right before we left pdx.

it stands true.

i love it in this rare place, drunken as we are, as F-ed in the A by the long slow tumbled tide of economics, race, corruption and the savage stir of the occasional cyclone.... cause, bitch baby, we are in this shit together.

& we goddam talk. we goddam talk. talk. talk. talk.

it continues to amaze me, this particular factor, this line-crossing... (maybe because ive come from some cold fucking climes, geo and socio -speaking), but yeah, it continues to fucking amaze me how easily we just simply talk to each other, friend or foe, old man or gangsta, bar-slut or cop or surgeon or lawyer or artist or hobo or famous jazz artist or asshole fuck-tard, goddam we just fucking talk and trade numbers and hang out and pound down the barriers as if they were not there.

'cause these rents, these barriers, these cavities in the social concourse arent really real... not when the monsters, these monsters NOLA offers, not when these monsters come out. grendel eats all regardless.

here, we face the same teeth, that same alligator smile.

i got drunk again tonite. first time since the saints game really. so i go on.

i just got to judging the out-of-town judges and feeling so warm in this wriggling drug-beat nest of open-hearted laughing crying honest snakes. what you see is usually what you get... ugly, gorgeous, fanged, heat-seeking and all.

my metaphor meanders into idiocy. i quit now.

i tried escargot for the first time today. i shant be doing that again unless starving somewhere rather fucking remote. i dont do snails. i dont do tentacles.

im supposed to go see 'the science of sleep' with a crew of people tomorrow. should be good. eternal sunshine broke my heart when i saw it with deb. what we went through, what we could never repeat. i remember you telling me it tore jeremy up too. a strong edge to that movie.

& i know candi and me will go nowhere. but we dont need to. and thats maybe just what we both need. she has a good heart and a strong bitch-ass sense of things.

& she looks great in a summer dress with all that hair down. the girl turns heads & she makes me laugh with her southern girl ways, her trailer park charm.

what else? whatever. its good for me to write to you. its easy.

write back. tell me tales. im at home now. its 5am. im going back out. its wild out there. i have to go pay my tab. shoot some more pool.

i saw 6 beautiful girls dance the can-can tonite. my stars are lucky, for now.

sleep tight, home-slice.

wuv, dwight.